The Universe in Me: Duty and Dreams
- March 03, 2022
There comes a time in life when you’re experiencing loss, huge loss which inevitably comes accompanied by grief. Once I have experienced grief, I have never been the same person which I used to be again.
It was 15 years ago when I have seen my father for the very last time. He was 46 years old when he passed and I was only 20 years old.
He left so sudden, left me with the biggest heart ache and my inside felt completely empty without him.
It feels like we had so many more experiences to live together as father and daughter, yet he has chosen to pass or maybe God loved his pure soul more than we did and wanted him “home”.
It wasn’t until 3 years later when I have started to accept his sudden passing. I was crying every single day and simply couldn’t really understand my feelings. It was a mix of confusion and pain, so much pain. I still feel some of that pain as I type these words. It reminds me of that moment when I realised he will never hug me again. How could this be possible? How could this happen to my precious father? The purest soul? The happiest man I knew? The kindest human on this planet for me.
Only those of you who experienced this loss will purely understand me. Those of you who still have your father, mother… cherish them! Cherish every moment you have with them. In a blink of an eye they will soon be gone.
Loads have happened after he passed and I wanted him to be next to me in those so important events in my life. My graduation, my wedding, my children and so much more. I know he was there for all of those moments but not with his physical body, just the energetic one. It felt and feels soothing just knowing that he is “there” for me anytime. I just need to open up, talk about him, talk to him, write about him.
One day I was having therapy with this wonderful lady which opened up this chapter in my life. So many unresolved things which I had in regards to my darling dad. So much sadness, so much guilt and 10 years later the grief was still there as I couldn’t close this chapter deep down in my soul and in my subconscious mind.
I was having therapy and this therapist, with her most incredible “tools” made me realise that is time to close this chapter, to forgive myself, to move on and let my dad rest in peace. I got this incredible message during the therapy session that I must write about my dad, I must lay down all my feelings about my dearest father and about how he has contributed to the person I am today.
It was during lockdown that I started to write in my notes about my dad. Some days I would write a few paragraphs, other days I would write more and slowly, slowly I started transferring all these notes into a pdf file and sorting things out in chapters.
I was writing about him, I was closing that chapter of my life of pain, anger and guilt by putting my words down. It felt like I was releasing some kind of heaviness off my heart. I also felt that I was talking to my father about all the sad times I had experienced in my life after he passed and how much I was missing his strength, his wisdom and his care.
“The Universe in me” was getting more and more contoured. I started getting my chapters right, changing words here and there and slowly, slowly getting more organised in what I was writing about.
I never imagined I could ever know how to write a book. I didn’t actually even thought of that. I was just writing my biography, putting down on paper my experiences and my feelings. Sometimes I would get my kids asking me :” mum, what is it that you write about?” I would say: :“ Sadly, you never got to know your grandad and I just want to make sure that one day you will!“
My father always wanted a son, he never had one. He would have been blessed with a grandson but he never got that opportunity. Neighter my little precious boy got to have the gift of getting to know his grandad.
It was me who possibly could have made this happen, even if not physically but just through my book.
My children are my motivation, my strength and my whole universe now. I dedicate this book to them but firstly to my darling dad. Forgive me for not coming home to say goodbye, when you asked me to. It’s like you felt you’d go soon. I forgiven myself because this is what you taught me always, forgive, forgive and move on!
I wish I had one more chance to hug you. Just one more… I wish I could hear your voice again. I wish I could feel your protective hugs again. I know this will never happen but I hope I made you proud, I’d wish you could read my book which is a tribute to you.
Rest among angels, my most precious angel in heaven. My Father, Marin Drule.
With my book I am hoping to inspire those of you who are struggling to find strength during the very dark times. We are meant to experience loss in life and it is important to understand that from these loses our souls will surrender and become the better version and that is actually meant to happen. We truly are more powerful than we think, we are braver than we know and with every new day comes new strenght. We never really know how strong we are, until being strong is our only choice.
My book available for purchase here :
The Universe in Me: Duty and Dreams